Moyo's Diary

Chapter 1: Once Upon a Crush

05/03/2013

Dear Diary,

It’s Moyo.

Today, I bought another diary so I can share my feelings with you. The last time I had a diary was in secondary school so it feels like a long time. Friendships haven’t been working so well for me of late, so I think for now you are the only one I can share my feelings with, and here in secret, where no one else can see.

I am a practicing 28-year-old doctor with a boring life, except for the moments I spend in a ward coat or feeding on junk food. I often can’t tell if the boredom is inherent or if it comes from the job.

If it’s the job, Feyi says I am still young and can change if I want to.

You know, sometimes it’s good to compare where you are to where you once were, especially when you want to gauge your progress. So, dear diary, before I go on telling you more about how I feel about my job, I’ll tell you about a little blast from my past.

Sigh. I don’t feel like going down memory lane but since writing doesn't particularly feel like a big deal of work, I keep writing.

Moving to the main campus was quite easy for me, and I found it interesting too. Although I resumed late, I was glad to discover I hadn’t missed much and that no tests had been done. And yes, I’m nerdy like that.

My first day in Physiology class was longgggg and boring. Not sure if it was the teacher or the topic. For a brief second, I wondered if I had made the right choice to study medicine. Right now, I can’t go into details of how boring it was, but I can tell you how my eyes roamed over my new colleagues, and how I made a mental note of the faces around me. I knew I wouldn’t be having any conversations with some of them until I left the school.

Call me judgemental, but you know those groups of people you see and sense wouldn’t be adding anything useful to your life? Yeah, those are the ones I am talking about.

I’m sure they also thought me a loser so all fair and square.

“Hi…Is this seat taken?”

I looked up there and then and knew I was a goner. And what was that sweet accent? Was it Northern… Hausa perhaps? I later found out he was a product of an intertribal marriage. His brown eyes conveyed an intensity that was both compelling and magnetic I forgot how to speak for a second. I was still staring at him like a stupid person when a girl came from behind and looped her arm into his leading him to the other side of the class where two seats were reserved. How could someone so fine be in medical school? I thought medical school was for weirdos and geeks like me. People like him belonged in TV shows or movies acting alongside Boris Kodjoe or Jesse Williams.

I did not know I had a thing for fair guys until that day.

I could even hear slow music play in my head as he turned to catch me staring at him, my hair almost covering my face as the wind blew.

As if I had enough hair long enough for the wind to blow.

My friend Boma had caught me staring and acknowledged that I’d finally met Prince Charming of Med school. So it only made sense that he had a perfect girl to match their look-alike fairytale life. I suddenly felt like a skinny dwarf that was going to ruin everything.

Before resuming med school, I’d told myself I would focus on what I had come for. I’d study medicine and do well at it;  Loretta Moyosore Amure would make her parents proud, and maybe someday the man of my dreams would come my way and swoon over me.

He would laugh softly and my knees would buckle. I often wished that man was Remi. I wanted to be the reason he smiled just the way I found it hard to breathe whenever he was close. We became study buddies but nothing more. We studied together and gisted about clinicals together. Even when he broke up with his perfect babe, I wasn’t an option. No matter the number of times Hollywood told me otherwise. I had been friend-zoned. I wasn’t going to someday be Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story who won Chad Michael Murray’s heart. I was Moyosore. I was the nerdy girl who couldn’t stop crushing on a guy who was far above my league.

Safe to say we parted ways, and it was like we’d never met. It was like our paths never crossed.

I’d always thought I was invisible… until today.

Pause.

I drop my pen and close my diary. That’s enough for today.

Recalling the reason I’m even writing this in the first place, I head to the kitchen to make lunch.

I had gone to the mart with Addie, my cousin earlier today. Addie’s short for Adeola. But I prefer calling her Addie. It makes her sound cute, which of course she’s very far from. She’s just that annoying girl who often gets on my nerves.

We had been arguing about what brand of cornflakes to buy while she ranted on and on about her favorite cereal and why we should choose hers. Ignoring her, I bent to pick up biscuits for my little cousins who were coming over during the weekend, only to discover she had zoomed off with the trolley.

I tried to stay calm although I was already thinking of a thousand ways to throttle her once I found her. It was in my search I unwittingly bumped into a solid chest and everything I held fell to the floor.

“Just great!” I mumbled as I bent to gather my biscuits, wondering at the people who stared as I scrambled to clean up the mess I’d just made.

“I’m sorry,” there was a catch to the voice which caused my heart to flip. I thought my imagination played a fast one on me until he leaned close.

“Let me help you with that,” he said as I looked up and gasped.

“No,” I responded and kept gathering my snacks. This can’t be!

I was torn between pretending to pass out or running away. But then I figured that doing any of the above would further confirm my madness.

Where in the world is Addie when I need her?

His eyes widened in recognition when I stood to face him but I just stood there staring dumbly at him, like an idiot.

As usual

Everywhere appeared to have grown quiet except for the sound of a single buzzer in my head which I held on, to stay sane.

3 years after graduation and I still felt this way?

“Lori?” he cocked his head to look straight into my eyes. “Lori Amure?”

The mall seemed to have gone smaller at the full realization that he REMEMBERED my name!!!

Okay, so this isn’t a dream.

Remi Dauda, my first and only CRUSH ever, knew my name, and remembered it, after our parting three years ago. My mind was doing the running man, and swinging like a crazy cheerleader.

I tried to say something but couldn’t get to it.

Say anything! My mind screamed.

‘Sorry?’ I asked as my brain still tried to boot.

He laughed. Sweet sigh. I think passing out would have been a better option than witnessing his disarming smile. “Don’t tell me you don’t remember me. I haven’t changed that much have I?” He extended his hand, “Remi Dauda, your classmate in Medical school.”

“Oh my goodness, Remi!” I laughed – at myself really – and was surprised that he also chose to join in my ridiculous mirth.

How in the world did I fake that?!

“Wow! It’s been what…3 years?!”

I nodded dumbly hoping I wouldn’t say something stupid.

“You look great,’ he said. I can’t tell if I imagined his eyes moving to my left finger or if my brain was hyperactive in recognizing him again. I rarely miss such a thing with my kind of sight; I can easily tell at a glance what anyone was up to, so I believe it wasn’t just my imagination.

Did he see my unmarried situation as pathetic? Such was the level of insecurity I felt at this time in my life. Except I don’t know why I was bothered since I’ve been enjoying my independent woman-themed life recently.

Mom wasn’t only bothered about my false independence but by how I wasn’t looking plump enough for her taste. I had developed bad eating habits in school due to my schedule and this did not improve after school. And here was Remi telling me I looked great while he looked stunning!!!

I was grateful for having a mind where my ramblings could go, and a diary where I could air them.

“You’ve changed a lot,” he continued, his eyes assessing me briefly, from my hair to my dress, looking over me the way I only saw him look at his girlfriend back in school.

“Hey you,” Addie nudges me from behind, back home, breaking into my thoughts while I pretend to be scrutinizing the cupboard in search of something when what I need is staring right at me. “Is someone daydreaming about Mr. Hottie?”

“Mr. Who?”

“Don’t pretend you were looking for something standing there for more than 5 minutes. You were thinking of what’s his name again?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Keep deceiving yourself. A smoking-hot former classmate of yours, I believe, pays for your groceries and collects your phone number in one day…. talk about babies on a roll from you two…” Addie giggles mischievously and heads towards the refrigerator.

Just so you know, Addie has an uncensored mouth. Only by divine intervention have I avoided joining her coven. She had initiated me into drinking alcohol when I was just 15 years old, which led to a nasty accident, after which I had sworn I would never come close to alcohol. I’d ended up throwing up and passing out. But that’s a story for another day. I am still surprised though at how close we are.

She’s family. I can’t throw her away, can I?

“There are no babies on a roll anything.” I snap at her irritated that the thought even excites me in a way. Maybe I’m still getting to know myself, I ponder. I wonder why I feel the way I do even when I thought I’d forgotten him and moved on.

A part of me wanted to close my heart against the thought of something working between us but the other side of me wanted to explore, wondering what it would be like to be kissed or held in his arms. He was a believer, wasn’t he?

I’m yet to find out.

 “So I just watched you guys talk and I couldn’t stop staring. Gosh, you need to have seen the chemistry oozing between you two,” Addie continues like a love-sick teenager. “I’m ninety percent sure that guy has feelings for you. He may not be willing to admit it back then, but I think now’s a good time.”

“I doubt it.”

“You told me you’ve liked him since you were a toddler yes?”

I roll my eyes at her sarcastic comment but soon begin blabbing about half my life story to her. When I’m done, she keeps staring at me like I’m crazy, while I assure her it’s merely infatuation.

“You call that infatuation?” She asks, looking surprisingly at me.

“Well, what else could it be?”

“You’ve been in love with that guy for say… seven years now.”

”I don’t think so,” I tell myself more than her.

“Well, the way I’m seeing things, if you don’t make a move, you’re gonna remain a virgin till God knows when.” She lets her eyes stroll down my body while taking a swig from her bottle of water.

I’m about to say something when she raises her hands, “And please… don’t give me your usual talk of, ‘I want to remain a virgin for my future husband and God won’t be pleased if I have sex outside marriage.’ It’s a poor imitation of me, but I cringe wondering if I really sound like that.

I’m hurt but choose not to show it. I try to remain calm while slicing the potatoes into a bowl.

I think she senses my displeasure because she walks up to me and holds my face. “I love you Moyo.” She brings her face close to mine and hugs me deeply, “And I hate it when you settle for less or feel like you don’t deserve someone like this Remi guy. I mean you don’t have to sleep with him. I’m just saying you should be open to relationships when they come knocking. You deserve the best and you’ll get the best. Let’s make Seyi eat her words.”

I can’t believe she remembers Seyi. I feel like Addie has an archive of my life story.

Seyi was my ex-roommate back in medical school. She had been seeing this cute guy from a different school and had been all over him, although I sensed something off about him. He had what I’d call wandering eyes. I was not a relationship specialist but I could always tell when something was fishy. I initially thought their relationship was a fling until she told me he had proposed.

When? How? I thought it was a joke until she flashed the coruscating diamonds before my eyes, shutting me up in the process.

Since we attended the same fellowship and I wasn’t only her roommate but her friend, I advised her to take things slowly when she mentioned that God leading her into the relationship and that they were soon going to be married.

Sadly, Mr. X – which I choose to call him because I hate to even remember his name – proved not to be who she thought he was, and unfortunately for me, I was his guinea pig.

I still wonder why I didn’t break his nose or at least one of his filthy hands to leave him with a lasting reminder of his folly.

He had come visiting one afternoon when I least expected him to, and coincidentally it happened to fall on the same time Seyi usually had choir rehearsals which lasted for two hours. I tolerated him for Seyi’s sake, although I felt the alarm bells in my head go off when he stood smiling at the door. He had a charming smile, I would give him that. But everything else was zero.

He asked if he could come in.

I ignored the negative signs hoping I was just imagining things. I mean, guys hardly looked my way anyway.

To cut the long story short, the pervert decided to make a move on me. One minute he was some meters away on Seyi’s bunk and the next; I was fighting my way out of his arms and sloppy kisses. Looking back, I’m glad I wasn’t raped in that room. I kept thinking of Seyi and how she needed to see this guy for what he was.

If only she had seen things the way I had, maybe we would have remained friends.

“C’mon baby, don’t try to ignore the chemistry between us,” he said and pulled closer to me. I had to raise my textbooks in defense for want of better tools. I scanned the room frantically, desperate for a form of escape just in case the guy was possessed and forced himself on me.

“You have a girlfriend!” I blurted out in confusion, “A fiancée!”

“You said fiancée, not wife…” He licked his lips and I found myself cringing inwardly.

More like ewww, don’t let me throw up.

“Aren’t you afraid I might tell her?”

“And hurt her feelings…I know you too well to try and break your friend’s heart. Besides…” he continued casually. The idiot obviously felt he was the best thing to happen to any woman. “She thinks the world of me and would believe me over you.”

I had yelled at him to get out, further threatening him by making up stories about my Dad being the best lawyer in town (He’s a doctor by the way). When my threats seemed to pierce through, I made sure I slammed the door loudly behind Him locking it with trembling hands. I had felt so destabilized after the incident, torn between telling my friend about the man-whore she was about getting married to and hurting her feelings… or just staying quiet. But where was the evidence? The guy had really messed me up and I disliked him for it.

I found the nerve to tell her when she returned. And all she did was look at me like I told one of those Cinderella stories where Cinderella doesn’t even have a fairy godmother to find her a dress and help her get the Prince.

“Why don’t you believe me?” I asked trying not to raise my voice.

She had looked me over in the what-do-you-have-that-I-don’t kind of way. “I find it hard to believe he’ll make a pass at you. I mean…” She’d scoffed. “C’mon babe, no offense, but why would a guy like him fall for a girl like you?”

She had no reason to say more. I was no Selena Gomez or Beyonce but I had never felt so insulted all my life. It was at that moment I wished I could knock her and her boyfriend’s heads together like coconuts.

Anyway, it hadn’t taken so long to hear of Mr. X’s downfall and I felt weirdly satisfied when I did. Although we were no longer roommates by the time I heard the news of X’s scandal with another girl…. he was literally caught in the act this time. I gloated inwardly knowing she would have cried a great deal.

She had ceased being herself for an extended period and hardly attended classes. She had to repeat a whole year in medical school.

One part of me wanted to forsake the past and comfort her. But another part wanted her to come to me and apologize. I mean her boyfriend had tried to rape me but she chose to believe him over me. My self-esteem had dropped to zero that day.

Anyway, she hadn’t apologized. Rather, she had soaked herself in her newfound misery with her other friends and I had watched her like a tragic movie only this time I hadn’t been the one crying this time.

She was

I had felt terrible at a point but the evil side of me chose to justify everything and keep the Holy Spirit silent. I had never felt so evil till now. I wonder how I don’t have horns already.

Now I remember it all and I feel I have to look for her and apologize about everything. I might not have been at fault, but she’d been my friend, even if her ex-boyfriend was a low life. My thoughts randomly stray to Mr. X. I silently hoped he was no longer sleeping around and had accepted Jesus into his life.

Well, that was how our friendship ended. I’d confided in Addie about it and she felt insulted on my behalf. Ever since the incident, it felt like she was on a mission to prove Seyi wrong that a hot-looking guy could want me too.

“Do you guys mind telling me what in the world is going on?” Feyi’s voice interrupts our embrace and Addie releases me almost immediately while smiling sweetly.

“Nothing Sis.”