I love you but I don't trust you
On Love, Trust and Stormy Nights
I love putting stew on everything. Jollof rice inclusive. I can already visualize my jollof rice Nazis shrieking at the horror. I once saw a quote somewhere that said, ‘If you put stew on your jollof rice, you've got trust issues.’
Now, before you wonder if this post is really about trust issues or jollof rice, I’m going to go straight to the point.
When God started to show me how I lacked trust in some areas of my life, I couldn’t deny it. How can I say I love God but cannot trust that if he has decreed something, it will come to pass? If he has assured me, then why do I still doubt somewhere in my heart with thoughts like what if and maybe?
Why do I still allow my external dictate what the Ancient of Days has decreed?
Why do I get so emotional about loving God but still go ahead to choose my way above His
When do I run ahead when he tells me to wait
When do I spend time reading God’s word if I end up forgetting and doubting him in the long run?
When the storms rage, why can’t I be still and watch God in action?
When do I still question his ability to help me in times of need
Why do I still treat God like a genie sometimes, when I have a father who wants a Father-Daughter relationship
Why do I still question his goodness because my external says otherwise?
Why do I have an iota of doubt that God will never do me wrong?
I know I’m not the only one battling with this dilemma. We all have trust issues, but are you willing to admit this?
So I admitted to God that I have trust issues. Saying it out loud made me realize the gravity of my words. It felt as if I had come back to my senses. My heart previously steeped in fret and anxiety came to a halt as memories of God’s goodness floated into my mind. Why is it that I know these promises by heart, but when the walls around me start caving in, I feel different? I forget every song I’ve ever sung, I forget every promise I’ve ever made to love you. I forget to trust you. I forget to fix my gaze on the beauty of your smile and the assurance of your eyes. I overlook the steadfastness of your love and the assurance in your ability to rescue me.
Slowly I begin to lose my wonder.
I’m like Peter. I see you walking in the darkness of the wide ocean. The storm is raging but I see you. In the darkness, you’re my guiding light. It’s been a stormy night, but all of a sudden, your voice makes my winter feel like summer.
My beloved, my heart cries. I can’t wait to run into your arms. I can’t wait to tell you everything and anything. I can’t wait to leap excitedly at the sonorous sound of your voice. I can’t wait to place my ears close to your lips and place my hands against your beating heart.
But the winds howl and the waters splash against my boat. The storm distracts me.
Hang on.
So I call out, with tears streaked face. “Jesus, is that you?”
“Yes, it’s me.”
My heart races. You know everything, yet you listen. You hear me.
You put my tears in your bottle…
I croak. “Can you eliminate the storm going on around me?”
“Why?”
“So I can hear you better.”
“But if you can hear me and see me now, then you don’t need to worry about the storm.”
But how can I not worry when my boat is sinking and the storm is raging?
“Jesus, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”
“Look at my me. Look at my ability to walk on water despite the storm.”
You’ve made me brave so I’m going to take a leap of faith
“You know what? If it’s truly you, bid me come.”
Staying with Jesus seems to be my safest bet right now anyway.
Jesus laughs and it tickles my belly. “Alright then. Come on up.”
So I take one step outside my boat. One step at a time. I close my eyes and blink them open. Yes, it’s you.
“Eyes on me.” Your voice breaks through the howling wind. “Just keep looking at me.”
I look into your eyes and every song, every word, every promise, every laughter, every testimony comes crashing in and all I can do is walk on water.
“Well, look at that! You made it.”
“I did?” I’m suddenly wrapped in your arms and I look around me. The storms are still raging, but I’m wrapped in your bubble. It’s like you and I are floating in the air.
“Uh-huh.”
“We did.” I manage to say and I laugh amidst the tears. “Oh Jesus, I thought the storm was going to swallow me. I thought wouldn’t make it out alive.”
“But you did, we did it. Like always.”
I bury my face into your chest and sob. It’s a mixture of joy and sadness and everything in between. Why do you say we when it’s you? Why do you even give me any credit when I’m such a coward sometimes? How can you be proud of me when I still question your ability to save me?
It’s always been you. All along. Only You.
Yet you say “We.”
Just like the time you won on the cross and allowed me to bask in your victory.
“Do you remember when I said, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”
I nod.
“Do you also remember when your brother David said, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me?”
“Then why did you for one second doubt that I would not show up for you?”
I nod. “Forgive me for not trusting you as I should.”
“When I said those words, I meant it. Because I am not a man that should lie, neither do I say what I don’t mean. You can rest assured that every word I’ve spoken shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which it has been ordained to accomplish. I’ve said I will be with you until the end, and I cannot go back on my word. As long as I live, your future is secure. Here and in the world to come.”
“I love you, Jesus, so I’ll trust you. I’ll keep my eyes on you. Forever and Always.”
“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5
Image source: ChalVera
Inspiration
This post was inspired by my recent revelation/conversation with the Holy Spirit and some memories I have growing up. I’m also in a season where I’m learning to lean into God’s word above everything happening around me.
I love the Ocean. It’s so intimidating and fascinating at the same time. When I was a little girl, I went for a picnic with my family near the beach. Because kids will be kids, while our parents were engrossed in a conversation, I followed my friend to explore the ocean and almost drowned. Recently I watched a video on YouTube about the depths of the Ocean and how dark and scary it looks at night.
Yet the God who created the earth, the sky, and the seas wants to calm the storm within me. Like that song…Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you may call me….
What is a storm when the King of Glory is within me and for me? Why do you allow a loser like Satan to taunt you with words and make you feel the stormy night will last forever? Even physical seasons don’t last forever, for example, winter.
I’m assured of One thing. I know how the story ends. Because God always wins.
I hope this encourages someone out there that Jesus is still King.
In the Crushing, In the Pressing, In the Waiting, the Pruning. Jesus reigns supreme.
Recommended Songs
My, o my! What did I just read?🥺❤️🔥. I began reading this piece with a chuckle about the jollof rice part, thinking, “Sis is so Yoruba” (putting stew on everything 🤣). But man, this is such an immersive and timely piece! What's not to relate with? Powerful, powerful message! Flesh and blood didn't reveal this to you😅. You know, it's clear that you communicated an encounter–an ongoing dealing, and this is why it means a lot that you thought to share. Thank you so much, sis! This encouraged me in so small way 🫶🏽.
“But if you can hear me and see me now, then you don’t need to worry about the storm.” At this point I was already teary, this is so reassuring and refreshing to read. Reminds me of how I was crying at church yesterday when someone was singing "all my life you have been faithful" cos, man! It got me like this post.
My confession from this lovely piece “I love you, Jesus, so I’ll trust you. I’ll keep my eyes on you. Forever and Always.” Amen 🙏
Thank you, Momo🤍