I can't pretend anymore

002: Adulting, Introvert Problems, and Confrontational Risks

Dear Diary,

I hate when misunderstandings arise, and instead of addressing the issue, people talk about everything else, ignoring the elephant in the room. I hate when they dismiss it as unimportant. It hurts because it makes me question my own sanity. It feels insulting, as if I'm being treated like a child who doesn’t know her left from her right.

In the past, I would overlook it. But I’m too old for that now. Not that old, but you get the point. I refuse to be told to "let it go" just because I’m a Christian. I’m too old to be responsible for other people’s actions simply because they refuse to own up to them.

It’s giving manipulative vibes.

I used to be afraid of confrontations. As an introvert, I avoid confrontations like a plague, because like I said in my previous journal entry, I can’t fight. Also, as a former people-pleaser and validation seeker, I wanted to be liked. I was worried about people leaving me. If that meant staying silent when I was in pain or agreeing with certain groups just to avoid feeling left out, I did it.

But not anymore.

When I finally found the courage to be more confrontational in conversations when I stopped pretending everything was fine, I realized something painful: some people aren’t interested in the real me. Some just prefer to play pretend.

So I started to set boundaries. Healthy boundaries.

I can’t stand shallow, surface-level relationships that exist only through WhatsApp statuses and casual updates. I crave deep, meaningful connections, the kind built on real conversations, not just small talk. The kind that unravels our human complexities, and gets to know me like I want to know them. And even if we don’t always agree (because we’re all uniquely different), we should at least be able to meet in the middle.

But the moment I sense I might be "too much" for someone, I withdraw.

Recently, I had to let go of a relationship/friendship that was very dear to me. Not because I wanted to, but because I had no choice and I was just emotionally spent. The same painful cycle kept repeating itself. And somehow, after every difficult conversation, I was always the one left questioning myself, playing the words over and over in my head, wondering if I was wrong or just crazy. Until I stepped outside of my own thoughts, shared my experience with someone I trust, and gained clarity: I wasn’t wrong.

The other person simply wasn’t ready for an emotionally intelligent conversation, or perhaps they were just emotionally lazy about putting in the effort the way I did.

And here’s the truth. I’m a sucker for resolving problems through effective communication and action. Just because we are Christians doesn’t mean we should lack conflict resolution skills. It doesn’t mean we should lack empathy or expect things to just resolve by pretending it didn’t happen.

I used to allow it before but I’m no longer mentally available for such. Besides, I never signed up to be an actress.

So this time, I’m choosing myself. I’m choosing my sanity. I’m choosing to accept that some friendships will fade into acquaintance territory, and that’s okay. It’s hard I won’t lie. It’s hard to cry over being misunderstood. It’s hard to be painted as the unreasonable one. But I can’t pretend anymore.

Life is too short for inauthentic friendships.

I once read that when you choose yourself, everything else aligns to choose you. For someone like me, someone who spent years struggling to choose herself, someone who let the choices of others dictate her worth, those words felt foreign. But maybe they were right.

No one should hold that much power over me. No one should hold that much power over you. Only Jesus should, because He loved me even when I couldn’t love myself.

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P.S: Both books—Beautiful Wings and Beautiful Surrender are now available as paperbacks on Amazon.